This past Monday I had my first counseling appointment of the semester. We talked about a lot during this session, but I got very annoyed that my counselor seemed fixated on discussing my romantic life. Normally I would talk about how I have nothing to share. I told him how I am sort of seeing someone, but it's very casual. I wanted to move on. Talk about something else. He didn't.
Part of me didn't want to talk about it because I felt like we could be talking about something more important and pressing. The more I think about it, he might have been onto something. Because while one part of me said, "Let's not talk about it because it's not a big deal." the other part of me was screaming, "Let's not talk about it because it's not a big deal even though I want it to be."
I had this realization when driving to school today and I was listening to Passenger's song, Fairytales & Firesides. I have always loved and related to this song. However he came to the line where he says, "We are coffee house cynics too righteous, too rigid to believe. Disappointed romantics, scraping the hearts from our sleeves." And I had to rewind it and listen again. I've heard that line hundreds of times. But this morning it particularly spoke to me.
I told myself I didn't want anything serious. I told myself I just want to have fun. But that's not me. I have watched too many Disney movies, read too much Victor Hugo, and recited too many Shakespearean sonnets. I ache for beautiful love. To love and be loved in return. "Just having fun" isn't fun for me. It gives me anxiety. It makes me fidgety for something better. It makes me want to kick that "fun" person to the side, or hold on too tight. But hanging on loosely by a thread, reeling him in every once in a while, that's not fun for me. It may be fun for others, but I must accept that that's not me.
I don't want anything serious. I'm not looking to commit for long term. I'm not trying to get married in the next years. I don't know where I'll be living in the next few years.
But I want something serious. I want to have meaningful conversations. I want to have a love that makes me happy. I want someone to go to sleep thinking about me. I want to have someone I can call when I don't want to be alone. Someone who is more than a friend. Someone who gives me more than benefits.
I don't know if I am in the wrong time or place for this. Maybe I'm too young or I'm dating people who are to young to think like this. But I must accept who I am and what I want, or I'll end up stuck in what I don't want.
