I’ve
been feeling pretty insecure lately. I am not sure why: if it was caused by
anything specific or if it just a phase. I think most people or at least most
women fall into these slumps, or maybe not and it’s just me. But lately I’ve
been feeling like I’m not good enough, I’m not portraying who I really am, and
a general feeling of “I suck”.
Tonight
I subbed a dance class. At the end of the class as the students were leaving, a
girl turned back to me and said, “By the way, you’re really pretty and have
great taste in music.” Not only was this such a sweet compliment, but I was
particularly touched because this girl is preteen/teenager age which in my
experience is the worst age a girl can be. Girls at this age know how to hurt
you and think it’s fun to do so. At least this is what I have observed based on
my own experiences.
But
this compliment struck me. I don’t think of myself as very pretty. Especially
in dance class. I was a good dancer growing up, but never looked like the other
girls who were skinny, their hair always looked good, they dressed well (even
in dance clothes) and they were so cute. I always felt like a potato,
especially when my ponytail would start falling and I had to work what I used
to call the George Washington look. This is when the top of your hair is
slicked back, but the sides have fallen and are beginning to cover your ears,
resembling the curls on white wigs worn by the founding fathers. I think that
part of my current funk is due to insecurities about my appearance that are
coming back full force (not that they were ever gone, but had quieted down
recently).
In
regards to the comment about my musical taste, I have never claimed to listen
to cool music. I listen to people I think are cool and songs I admit aren’t
cool, but dammit I’ll enjoy them anyway. I never want to play music for my
friends or in the car with other people. If I do, I usually preface it with, “I
know nobody else will enjoy this, but I will. So suck it up.”
Tonight
was a nice reminder that I’m not a lame potato.
But
more than that, as a teacher I am a role model to so many young girls (some
boys, but mostly girls). My number one goal is to make them all feel more
confident. I want them to leave the classroom feeling stronger than when they
entered. Maybe they don’t like their legs, but I’m going to make sure they are
straight legs with pointed toes. Maybe they don’t like their stomachs, but they
are going to body roll with the rest of us, and I will cheer her on just as
loudly.
I
have always felt that I connected with my students more than I’ve seen other
teachers. Sure they connect with the competition dancers because those girls
are there 12 hours a week. But I make sure to connect with the girls who show
up 1 hour a week and prefer basketball to dance. I let my students see my insecurities.
I tell them when I’m not sure what to play for them because I usually make
playlists for 3 year olds. I laugh at myself when I make weird noises and we
all laugh at me together. I make mistakes and call myself out for it. Rather
than being confident all of the time, I give them a glimpse of my imperfections
and failures and then let them see me brush it off, laugh, and go again twice
as confidently. When I first started teaching, I thought I had to be perfect. I
came in with my makeup done as perfectly as I could do it. I dressed in my
cutest dance/workout clothes. I covered up my mistakes. But I soon learned that
these girls look up to me, and need to see that you can be imperfect, and still
be a kick-ass dance teacher and person.
So
today was more than a self-confidence boost. It was a reminder to boost the
girls who look up to me. That our relationship is so much different than your
average student/teacher, sister, babysitter, whatever relationship. I’m not
only a teacher, but a dance teacher. I have to give them confidence when they
have none. I have to give them a reason to do a new step across the floor and
make a fool of themselves the first three times. And then I have to make them
feel beautiful, strong, elegant, powerful, and intelligent.
“No you’re not stupid because you can’t get
this step. This is a hard step. Didn’t you see me trip two minutes ago?”
“Girl, you look so good doing this combo.
You’re better than me at hip hop!”
“Maybe musical theatre isn’t your thing.
But you’re doing so well! And this will help you with ballet I promise!”
“I want to see you hit a double because I know
you can. Who cares if someone else can do it? I want to see you do it!”
“Guys, you couldn’t do that combo ten
minutes ago, and now look at you! You’re blowing me away!”
